six years ago, my world shattered.

six years ago, you were the only thing that mattered.

Seeing you laying in that hospital room, so cold.

Never in my life had I seen you look so old.

my resolve shattered and something fell apart inside

my tears I could no longer hide.

Those machines, beeping quietly

beep, beep, beep

my hand gripped yours as you smiled.

I stayed awhile, but it was never enough

I wish I stayed there, laid there and held you as you slept

So many conversations I miss, your voice, your face.

I remember that day so well

Missing you, craving you, has been my own personal hell.

I wish you could’ve met her

I see so much of you in her eyes

but there is a part of me that will never ever return

they buried it with you.

These tears burn my face, my head hurts from holding it in.

remembering to breathe in this wreckage that you buried me in

but I can never blame you.

My love for you has not deminished,

don’t ever think for a second that I don’t miss you

My love, my mama in all respects.

You were my sunrise, my thunderstorm, my windy day

You were my comfort, my safety, my rock

I hope to do you proud daily

but it’s been six long years

I miss you…

This is how I disappeared…

So I haven’t written in this in forever! Here is the tl;dr version for those of you who won’t make it though a long post.

First off, I am pregnant. I hit 30 weeks tomorrow and am so excited for this wee girl.

I took a step back to just live in the moment with this being my first pregnancy and absorb all I can.

Right now I am on my lunch break at work and feeling my little one kick my diaphragm black and blue. She always does it when I have lemonade. She loves lemonade.

I have been working a lot too, saving up my pto, so I can still make some money after my wee girl is born. I plan on staying home with the baby and trying to be a mom. I know it won’t be easy, but I am gonna try.

I had over 40+ cousins and a nephew, so I know the basics, like how to change a diaper and heat up a bottle, etc. But I am actually going to attempt to breastfeed which is something entirely new.

I never knew about breast feeding until I moved away when I was 19. Didn’t know it was a thing, but I am gonna try it. I ordered my pump and am hoping it goes smoothly. Gonna watch some lactation videos on YouTube and do my research on being a mom because this is a whole new territory for me. I hope I don’t screw this up.

Luckily, I got a great support system. I got my mother in law, my best friends: Amanda and Sasha, and most importantly, I got my husband to help. This little girl is already so loved and I am so excited to meet her in 9 weeks or so.

Anywho, so that is the main reason I haven’t written in this in so long. Living in the moment, now it is time to get back to work.


A new start…

I am starting something new. Something different and something exciting. Something that will hopefully make the past 28 years feel like just a bad dream and give me a new outlook on the future.

I am going to start taking antidepressants. I am going to finally get treatment for something that has plagued me since childhood. That sorrow and cloud minded child with the sad blue eyes. The angry kid turned harmful teenager who didn’t care if she lived or died. Into an adult who still thought of harming herself and killing herself everyday, and with one tragedy leading to the isolated and apathetic person I am right now.

But not anymore. I am finally going to get control over my depression and not let it take control of me anymore. I have the option of either prozac or zoloft. So i am doing research.

So excited to make this change.

UPDATE: I have decided to go with Prozac as it has a less chance of side effects and gives a little more energy. If I take it in the morning, it will help get me through the day and be less sluggish. I know it can take 4-6 weeks to feel it’s effects but I am hopeful.

I am going to document my journey with this new start and give myself this writing release again. 

Wish me luck.


strength comes only after the storm’s gone

I don’t know if it’s the caffeine that has kicked in, or what. Actually… I think it is the caffeine, but I’m actually feeling like I’m in a good mood today. It’s something I haven’t felt in months. I have my moments, mostly at night, where all I think about is my former best friend and cry for hours. I still can’t get over the fact that she actually isn’t in my life anymore. There are days where something awesome happens and I can’t wait to tell her about it and it hits me all over again that I can’t do that. That she is gone. It mostly happens at night, and because of it, I won’t stay over anyone’s house.

Continue reading “strength comes only after the storm’s gone”

I’ve held on cause I’m in denial

I haven’t written in a long ass while and that is simply because I don’t have the words lately to say how i am feeling.

My best friend killed herself on May 3, 2015. She was 26, beautiful and a wonderful mother and wife, and best friend a girl could ever have. She had suffered from Depression for the longest time, and had repeatedly gotten help for it, but I guess it just grabbed her and held her too tightly this time. She wasn’t able break free and now she is gone.

Continue reading “I’ve held on cause I’m in denial”